Self-help has done a real number on our beliefs about why certain people come into our lives.
Here’s the metaphysical non-sense we’ve been fed:
We are mirrors of each other.
We attract who we are.
You get back what you give out.
You are the company you keep.
As well meaning as all of this wonderful personal development, woo-woo, laws of the Universe advice might be, these are half-truths and sometimes true but not the whole picture. The statements above are missing some REALLY big components to it such as:
We accept the love we think we deserve.
What we experience outside of us is a reflection of what’s going on inside of us.
We get what we believe EVERY single time.
We attract those who deeply desire what’s naturally within us (hence the opposites attract thing and also the attracting jealous people thing).
And my all-time favorite add-in to self-help’s take on who we attract into our lives comes from Sigmund Freud:
Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.
And I would add to assholes the following: users, manipulators, abusers, fakers, and narcissists.
So… it begs the question: if you’re used to attracting emotional vampires and toxic people into your life, how do you stop that pattern and start attracting amazing people into your life?
It’s very simple, not at all easy, and has nothing to do with anybody else but you.
Here are 10 ways to attract amazing people into your life:
1 Face your shadows
Unless you learn to face your own shadows, you will continue to see them in others, because the world outside you is only a reflection of the world inside you. — Unknown
I’ve always said “Hurting people hurt people.” Here’s a new one “Unhealed people find comfort with other unhealed people.”
Until you face the unhealed parts of yourself, you’ll naturally find the unhealed in others. This isn’t a “you attract who you are.” It’s more of a “In my state of being, what feels most like home are people in the same state of being.”
Can you see the problem with that?
The truth is this: far too often, we search out others (friends, lovers, family members,companies, bosses, even neighbors) because we want their presence to fill the void of our pain.
It never works that way.
What ends up happening is both people in pain bang around together, feel even more pain and crash and burn.
There’s no peace when you’re living with pain you aren’t willing to face.
Face your shadows before you invite people into your inner circle. The whole thing will be worlds better.
And facing your shadow doesn’t mean healing all of your pain (that’s a lifetime process). It means going within, having an awareness of what hurts, being real about what it’s going to take to heal, and begin doing the work on your own. Once you start that process, a lot of things shift pretty quickly, including your relationship with anyone and everyone.
2 Clean up your mental house
Cleaning up your mental house requires you know what’s in there. I know no one wants to go into their mental attic and uncover the limiting beliefs that are hiding in the deep, dark abyss. Yes, I know you’ve spent enough years with a therapist and digging up the past never helped anyone move forward.
But… Before you clean up all the junk in your head, you’ve got to do inventory. You need to know what you’re dealing with. So go into your mental house and uncover your beliefs about friendships, relationships, family, co-workers, etc. Figure out what beliefs have been creating your reality and decide whether those are the thoughts you want creating your future.
Oh and start the mental cleanup one room at a time (no complete mental home makeover). For example, if you have a belief that “People leave”, work on that one limiting belief first. Do not jump into the “Men cheat” or “Women lie” belief. That is too much to take on at once.
Clean your mental house one room at a time.
3 Think, speak and live in light
This is IMPORTANT… Dr. Wayne Dyer once said, “You don’t get what you want. You get who you are.” This is where think, speak and live in light becomes so important. A lot of us point the blame of our attraction to other people as if emotional vampires get recruited to show up in our lives. Not so.
Here’s the deal. It doesn’t matter the facade you show at work or post on Facebook. You will ALWAYS attract what you feel inside. So, no matter how Polyanna you come across in public, if your inner life is filled with turmoil, low self-esteem, and an inner critic that beats the hell out of you on a daily basis, you’ve got to do the work there first.
Whenever you find yourself thinking negative thoughts, stop them dead in their tracks and change the thought to a positive one. No, you won’t believe them at first. But the more you do it, the more they will become your go-tos (and not the negative ones).
Speak life to yourself and everyone you meet. This is tough because most of us like to complain and gossip (I do it too). Guess what? Every time we complain and gossip, we are speaking death to ourselves AND the other person. Don’t try to be perfect at this. Simply notice when you go into a downward spiral and shift your language to one that gives life and doesn’t take it. Again, practice over a long period of time will make speaking life your go-to. It takes time…
Living in light means you believe that life is for you, that good things are always happening, that life itself is a miracle and that even when dark nights of the soul come, there is meaning and power in them. You know that you’re never alone and you know that you’re divinely guided and you know that the Universe has your back and you can make anything good. That’s a faith choice. It has nothing to do with logic, reason or being “realistic.”
Screw realistic. Choose to live in light.
4 Fall in love with being with yourself
Do you bask in your own company? Do you ever take time to look at yourself in the mirror and say “Damn, you’re hot!” Make that a regular occurrence. If you don’t love your company, why should anybody else?
Remember why you fell in love with the person you’re with?
It’s time you did the same thing for yourself. Court yourself. Take yourself on an artist date. Get dressed up for you… even if you’re not going anywhere.
LOVE YOURSELF like you want the love of your life to love you and watch watch happens next. It’s pretty freaking amazing…
5 Set your standards higher and hold to them
This is a hard one because most people confuse high standards with being high maintenance and most people think being low maintenance means being down to earth. Screw down to earth. Raise the bar on every relationship in your life. Yes, it means you’ll cut some people off at the pass. Yes, it means you won’t have as many friends. Yes, it might mean you might not date that much. And yes it might mean that your current relationship will change drastically but what’s the alternative? Settling for less, resenting everyone around you and living your life wishing you were somewhere else? Yeah… no bueno.
Until you raise the standards, you’ll continue to settle for crumbs and then wonder why you’re starving. If that hasn’t worked in the last ten to thirty years, what makes you think it’s going to work now?
New you, new standards. Raise the bar…
6 Allow people to come and go from your life
This is another toughie because most of us don’t want to let people go. We like certainty, stability, loyalty and longevity and so we bring seasonal people into our lives and keep them for decades. Don’t do that… I’m not simply talking about romantic relationships. Some of us have friends who are worse than enemies and they’ve been in our lives for twenty years.
Let’s get real: you know when it’s time for someone to go and you know when it’s time for you to exit someone’s life. Do not overstay your welcome and say goodbye when it’s time to leave. Harsh and real…
And here’s the other thing: if you’re uncertain and confused about the season, the timing or whether this is a ‘for now’ or ‘forever’ thing, don’t make any big decisions. Just trust, pay attention, and flow. When it’s time to come or go, life will give you signs that you will not be able to deny. You might still ignore those signs but they’ll be VERY clear.
7 Stop trying to save or change people; focus on loving yourself
People change because they want to, not because you want them to. So many co-dependent relationships are built from the “If I can help them be better, they’ll love me.” TOTAL WASTE OF TIME… You cannot save anyone who does not want to be saved. The moment you see someone drowning themselves, give them one good opportunity to shift and when they show you that they like to drown, throw them a life jacket and get the hell out of there.
Your life is about loving you, not saving people who don’t want to be saved.
8 Know that alone isn’t the same thing as lonely and bask in aloneness
Can you be alone? Can you live alone? Can you spend time alone? Can you be in the house all day without texting, calling, Skyping, Facetiming or hanging out with anyone? If you can’t, I challenge you to a 24 hour alone with yourself day. After all, what you resist persists. If you do anything and everything to prevent yourself from being alone, guess what that tells me? You settle for less A LOT.
I have such a good time with myself and have such a profoundly interesting inner life that I could spend all day alone and not get bored. Don’t get me wrong. I’m also the person who spends a night in the house alone, hears a creak in the floor and wants to go in the closet and hide (worried about an intruder) but I love my own company.
We all have our issues with this. I’m working on mine. You work on yours.
9 Fulfill your own needs and desires
This one right here… #dropthemic. Until you learn to fulfill your own needs and desires (and not demand or require that someone else do it), you will not attract amazing people into your life. Why? Because amazing people do not do the co-dependent thing… EVER. They don’t tolerate it. Their standards are way higher so if you’re still playing that game, you will not attract those kind of people into your orbit. #justsayin
10 Take that happiness key back and never give it to anyone else again
Happiness is an inside job. I know you think that relationship is sucking the life out of you. I know you truly believe that your boss is ruining your life. I totally get that your evil twin sister has been jealous of you since birth and that’s why your parents favor her, gave her everything and you still live in constant want and need. I know every excuse you could give me about why other people are making you unhappy… and I’ve used all of those excuses.
But here’s the truth: at the end of the day, your happiness is up to you. If you gave someone the key to your happiness, it’s time to take it back. There is NOTHING that anyone can do to make you happy and NOTHING they can do to make you unhappy. That job is totally and completely yours.
Own the role and do the damn job CONSISTENTLY…
Now… I gave you all those steps because as much as you might need to read this, I need to read this more. We’re all works in progress so don’t use this article to beat yourself up about where you are, where you’ve been or where you need to get to. We have many opportunities to get the lessons we need to learn and this one is a lifetime classroom.
So let’s stop beating ourselves up for who we’ve been and take full responsibility for who we’re choosing to be.
Attraction is about self-awareness. The moment you’ve truly met yourself and you consciously choose who you’re now going to be, every person in your life will shift. They’ll shift in, out or up. And amazing people will start to enter the arena.
Do YOUR work. The rest will take care of itself.
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